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Chalky
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Date Joined Feb 2000
Total Posts : 185
 
   Posted 6/15/2002 10:58 AM (GMT -5)    Quote This PostAlert An Admin About This Post.
Chapter 7 (and a half:-)
Mr. Hopeful, as everyone now knows, was the stage name of a fifteen-year-old musical illiterate from South Georgia . His musical career was short (see Ch.13b) but that was unimportant since his real talents lay elsewhere. He was probably the greatest salesman of notational trivia the century had seen. He could take a simple situation, and by eliminating the essential, render it truly moronic. He was just what Tech-no-logic was looking for. To Mr. Hopeful we owe the invention of the Glitz development team, the Cretatool concept and the Complicated Stuff Plug-out. His first act was to revise the User Manual, by eliminating all words of more than two syllables. The space thus saved was used to add a Melody Generator, tied to the Rhyming Dictionary.
His working methods were remarkable. Take for example the Colliding Accidentals problem.
Picky customers (" bearded, intellectual weirdos" as Hopeful described them) had for years been complaining that Finale had deficiencies in this function. Now as soon as First Dan had explained that accidentals were not what you got when you hit the wrong key, Mr. Hopeful provided his typical dynamic solution: he eliminated all transposing functions in Finale so that it was only possible to write in the ionian mode of C major. This would have worked , had it not been for a protest movement organized by the Association of Jazz Harpists.
Hopeful then turned to the Glitz team, who colored the sharps blue, the flats green and the naturals tartan, in three dimensions. This solution also was rejected, as it was noticed that the top layer had a tendency to slide off the score during rapid page turns.
Mr. Hopeful meanwhile had encountered Remy Farsolarsido, a European programmer working on the modal transposition problem, whom he immediately hired. The foreigner correctly deduced that if customers were going to write F sharps (which would inevitably collide with G flats) then what was needed was a new notation symbol for the black keys. He therefore invented the triple sharp, (which he named a bark), the triple flat (which he named a snoojum) and the double natural (which he called an illant). Mr. Hopeful noticed the allusion to Arthur Dodgson's work, but struck out at the third term until the new colleague remarked that what was doubly naturalised was no longer an illegal immigrant and wasn't it about time Hopeful obtained him a work permit.
To publicize the new function Mr. Hopeful hired the Berlin Philharmonic to play the Finale transcription of the Brandenburg Concertos, with punk hair-cuts and a laser light show. The DVD was a sell-out. Today only a handful of senescent conductors are still resisting what has become known as the Farsolarsido transposition (everything is written in C major).
Curiously, none of the customers who had originally raised this problem were ever heard from again in the Forum.
(Turn to Chapter minus 6:-)
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GT
It was some other guy.



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Date Joined Feb 2001
Total Posts : 1434
 
   Posted 6/15/2002 3:36 PM (GMT -5)    Quote This PostAlert An Admin About This Post.
Hey, Anon, whatever comments you might get from other readers, I'm very much enjoying this.

It's sort of a Monty Python meets Elmore Leonard by way of Douglas Adams and Peter Schickele on crack, which is right up my alley, I can tell you...

:-)

Gary
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Jim Coull
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   Posted 6/15/2002 7:12 PM (GMT -5)    Quote This PostAlert An Admin About This Post.
The thought of Peter Schickele on crack sends goose bumps up and down my spine!! ;-)

Jim Coull
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cliffdzihner
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Date Joined Jun 2000
Total Posts : 486
 
   Posted 6/17/2002 6:23 AM (GMT -5)    Quote This PostAlert An Admin About This Post.
Just imagine Allen Ginsberg guest hosting Performance Today on NPR... and there you have it.
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kignature
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Date Joined Apr 2000
Total Posts : 337
 
   Posted 6/17/2002 9:00 AM (GMT -5)    Quote This PostAlert An Admin About This Post.
Glad to see trolling alive and well on the forum.

AnonX
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